The last fight – a loss that I’m uncertain can be recovered

This week has been the single hardest experience of my life. I lost my partner due to a mental disorder that I thought I was gaining control of. I lost the love of my life to a mental disorder that changes me, that controls me. People can change, but sadly for the negative. When someone goes from good to bad at no fault of their own, is that a Leopard changing its spots? Or, is it when they go back to who they truly are?

Today is, for time unknown, the last day that I will be writing for CaB, and I’m ever so sorry for that. There comes a time in life when one needs to think about themselves only; for a change, to help themselves and to get better. I couldn’t quite understand this until I lost my partner due to my disorder, until I had what happens to be the most painful week I’ve ever experienced because rightfully, she needed to break things off with me because my OCD was destroying who she was. I say my OCD, but specialists see that there may be more. Which means both my love and I never stood a chance.

I cannot preach and offer advice about something that I do not have complete control over myself, but what I do know is there is something else in me other than the OCD, and I’m going to find it, and I’m going to kick it out.

A lesson needs to be learnt here, because the downwards spiral of my control started with me no longer taking my medication. A simple pill, once a day would have saved my love from pain and suffering, it would have saved her from having to see me spiral out of control and would certainly have kept her happy. She lost me long before I lost her, and the guilt I feel for that is near to unbearable. To be able to give her back Steve, that could mean a great deal to her, but why on earth would she consider going back? It’s not about going back though, it’s about going fowards. How do you show someone that you can in fact go forwards from such a situation,  that the love they have is strong. Despite one needing to be “fixed” and the other some space and time to find themselves are being affected by the mental disorder of the one they love?

It does not matter how much control you have, how much you believe you can manage your OCD or any other form of mental disorder, just make sure that for the sake of you and for the sake of your partner and family that you stick to what you know works for you. Don’t try and be a hero, don’t try and help anyone else. Concentrate on those that are closest to you.

When you lose that which is most dear to you because of something you cannot control,  and I’m not talking about comfortably in lifestyle, or the life that you have become a custom to, I mean the best friend, the person most closest to you, the person you saw your future with, and as cliché as it may sound; soul mate, it’s devastating.

I am on new medication that I had been recommended many months ago, my mood is calm and stabalising, and the same goes for my thought process. While this is what I need to do for myself, it’s also allowing the guilt, the hurt and the pain to flood in. That and the realisation that what is meant to be is no more, it’s just so devastating.

These tablets, well I think the best way I can explain it is like in Vampire Diaries where Stefan turns his humanity switch back on. It’s fantastic because it’s almost who I am, but it’s bad because of the flood of emotions and realisation.

How do you show, no, prove to someone that has been hurt so much in the past that the person they fell in love with is back? How do you prove to them that what happened wouldn’t and cannot happen again. Knowing yourself that it wouldn’t because if it did you’d lose the one you love from your life completely?

When you get hurt in past relationships, you take with you the experiences to build barriers to prevent further hurt. But what happens when the hurt is incidental, not at all meant, not at all from the person they truly know? The same rules, experiences and self preservation, they’re all still used. But it’s a completely different situation, completely, which is hard to see for anyone.

To move away from and not see the beautiful face of my partner when I wake up every morning and before I go to bed, to spend the day wishing I could go back and take that simple pill. Well, I can’t but what I can do is get better for me, become stable and in time show her just what she means to me.

The problem here is just as I mentioned above, showing will not prove. Why would anyone put themselves in a relationship they were hurt in before (regardless of the reasons why). Personally, for me, love and hope. But hope, it breaks people, but then it also makes them too.

From the moment we ended I started my meds, dropped alcohol and have started finding myself. But will this ever be enough to show her we are meant to be and that we should be together?

I cannot promise that I will be back, but everything that has been written will be available indefinitely, this website will not go down as I believe, and as quoted from my love, “it can help and has helped a lot of people”. Some of her last, somewhat selfless and caring words were so powerful to me, it’s a shame this beast inside stopped me being me.

All the best on your journey.

10 Comments
  1. Scotty November 24, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Good luck getting your self better fella. I hope it all works out for you. :)

  2. Helen Barbour December 6, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Steve

    I am so sorry to read about this turn of events. I hope everything works out for you eventually and that you will come back and let us know when it does.

    All the best till then.

    Helen

  3. Glenda Herdman December 7, 2013 at 1:06 am

    Hi Steve,
    So sorry to hear this news. Losing someone you love is not good. Losing someone you love because you make a decision that is not good for all around is even worse. You have the grief of your loved one leaving you and also the guilt of the mistakes you made. You have provided a gift here for anyone like yourself and those of us who have other disorders. Alcohol and drugs are never a solution to problems, especially not mental health issues. I take my medication religiously every day, because I know I am better for it. Just because you take it for a while and you feel better doesn’t mean you should stop taking it. A friend of mine has bipolar and he wants to get off his meds, he hates the side effects, but without them he is much worse. We both belong to a Facebook group and I would love to see you in there sharing your life and your issues. We can be a great support system for you. If it hadn’t been for this group I don’t think I would have been able to come as far as I have. We may have different mental health issues but we can share our experiences and our day to day struggles. Hope to see you there. Take care of your self and please stay on your meds. xxx

    • Steve Clarke December 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Thank you Glenda. I shall be on meds for yhe rest of my life, but it is a small price yo pay for stability.

      I’m working on myself and only myself right now, which is difficult as I like to help people, but sometimes you have to come first.

  4. Frazer December 9, 2013 at 11:58 am

    I was diagnosed with OCD 2 months ago and it has completely changed my life. It came out of nowhere and has put my life on hold. I am married with a son and I can only hope that my wife is supportive through the good times and the bad – she is my rock. It is websites like these that give me hope in overcoming my OCD. I am so sorry to read your last post, I really hope you manage to get your life back in order. I will be mentally stronger than OCD and I am sure you will be too.

    • Steve Clarke December 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Thank you for the kind words Frazer. They are much appreciated. All the best.

  5. leigh Phillips January 4, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Bless your heart. I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. You have no idea how much your page has helped me and my family. Thank you and I hope you can heal as you continue to manage your OCD. You’re in my prayers. God bless you…♥

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